We all have things that we hold onto in life. Whether they are memories, people, habits, or feelings, there's certain things in life that we just fight to keep or painfully struggle to forget. Sometimes it seems like those things are a part of us and no matter what we do, there's no way that we can actually let go. This weekend, I've realized some things about myself. For a while now, I've really lost my faith. I used to find comfort in the idea that God would never give you something that you cannot handle. I remember my old pastor, Sam Pack, told me this through an analogy. You're life is like a rubber band and God's stretching it out as far as you can possibly get stretched out. He throws tests, arguments, family problems, rejections, pressures, hardships and then when your life has reached it's limit, he'll throw in deaths, pains, sadness, just to make you stronger. I used to believe that one day all the struggles I've had will pay off, and I still do. But lately, I've been wondering- when can I just relax? When can I have a moment of peace?
Maybe we're never meant to have a true moment's peace. Or, if we do, then that moment is short. But, if we keep holding onto this idea that we're going to always have shitty economic times, family problems, or relationship issues, then we can never really be at rest in our hearts. For me, I feel like it's time I let go. Time I let go of the fact that I might not be where I expected to be or who I expected to be in life right now. It's time that I let go of this idea that my dad's not gone. Here's a small side story: every other weekend I've been making the drive to his grave just to sit and think. Sometimes I'd talk to him, hoping that there would be an answer. God knows that I really needed a father figure these past couple of months, but we don't always get what we want in life. So, for me, my time with my father lately has been kind of a one way relationship. I'd talk and I think he was listening. I never thought that I'd have some direct celestial connection with my father or God, I just went because I didn't believe that he was dead. I still can't believe it. There's so many things that are left unsaid between us. I regret so much and that's what's slowly eating away at me. This, along with certain feelings I've had towards other people, certain relationships I've had with other people, certain disappointments/letdowns/guilt-trips that I've been through, I'm letting them go. Don't you think that letting go of those things that hold you back, and trust me they're holding you back, is going to help you get on with your life. Personally, I'm letting go by giving in to God and renewing my faith again. I'm letting go by forgetting about all the bad times I've had with certain people, and trying to remember the good. I'm letting go by getting into guitar (thanks Sam Choo for the advice). I'm letting go by loving life, enjoying the short time I have left with the people around me, and being happy.
Whatever it is that you have to let go, there's no better time than the present. We all fall short of our expectations, but what we don't see is that reality exceeds our expectations in hidden ways. So live your life, free of those things that hold you back. That's pretty much all I have left to say. The rest of what you take from this is your choice. It's your life, live it your way.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
This Year So Far
Within the past 12 months, I've been to a funeral, countless 18th birthdays, spent hours in a nursing home, been accused of stealing money from the school, gotten caught ditching school and getting saturday school, come home drunk and shirtless, wake up somewhere I don't remember getting to, gained relationships, ruined relationships, been to a debut, cried in front of an audience, contemplated driving off a cliff, found God, lost faith, cut practice, quit a team, joined a team, made friends, lost touch with friends, laughed, been belligerently drunk, gained weight, lost self confidence, dug a grave, drank with my brother, fallen into deep depression, fallen into utter bliss, hated school, loved school, joined asb, got a job, hated my job, gotten into fights, broken up fights, walked away from fights, lied, cheated, loved, hated, enjoyed, regretted, and now what's left?
I'm ready for college, I want to leave this behind, take some memories and forget others. I'm going to become the better version of myself, and hopefully I can keep certain relationships that I've made up till now, but realistically, who knows where any of us will be in the next 20 years? I'll live in the moment, understanding what's to come in the future. This year has been the longest and most difficult year for me. When I go to college, I'm leaving it all behind and starting new. To those who actually care to keep our friendship alive, I really hope we can, because I'm willing to do what I can to keep you guys close. To those who've told me the effortlessly concocted cliches like "I'll always be here for you" or "we'll be friends/bros/homies/bff's forever" and then leave me hanging... Well, I wish you could keep your promises. But we never do, so thank you for abusing my trust and faith in people's words. Ah, I can't wait to move on. Well, only 2 more months of high school left, and 3 more months of summer before we move on with our lives. Scary, isn't it? Everyone has to move on at some point, but if you're a true friend, then don't lose touch please!
Berkeley, Class of 2015. I'm nervous, but I'll give it my best.
I'm ready for college, I want to leave this behind, take some memories and forget others. I'm going to become the better version of myself, and hopefully I can keep certain relationships that I've made up till now, but realistically, who knows where any of us will be in the next 20 years? I'll live in the moment, understanding what's to come in the future. This year has been the longest and most difficult year for me. When I go to college, I'm leaving it all behind and starting new. To those who actually care to keep our friendship alive, I really hope we can, because I'm willing to do what I can to keep you guys close. To those who've told me the effortlessly concocted cliches like "I'll always be here for you" or "we'll be friends/bros/homies/bff's forever" and then leave me hanging... Well, I wish you could keep your promises. But we never do, so thank you for abusing my trust and faith in people's words. Ah, I can't wait to move on. Well, only 2 more months of high school left, and 3 more months of summer before we move on with our lives. Scary, isn't it? Everyone has to move on at some point, but if you're a true friend, then don't lose touch please!
Berkeley, Class of 2015. I'm nervous, but I'll give it my best.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Why?
Why did I start this blog? Simple. I have random thoughts and sometimes, I think I need to write them down. Nothing but the desire to type out what I feel, yet why did I choose a public medium like blogspot in order to do this? Well, maybe you might like what I write, or maybe you hate it. Either way, I'm writing it because I have these thoughts that truly take control of my mind and sometimes I want to write them down. If you don't want to read my ramblings, then why the hell did you click the link? Sue me if I'm being too harsh, but... f*ck you.
Anyways, so basically each blog is going to come randomly based on these things.
1.) how much free time I have
2.) If I feel like typing
3.) What I feel like writing about that day
4.) What happened that day.
So, you can see that this blog is completely impulsive, has no regular timeline, and in essence, isn't something you can depend. But then again, what can we depend on in life? Here begins my thoughts for my day today. After being accepted into UCLA, I truly believe that any and all things are possible. Based on my GPA and my extracurricular stuff, I still didn't think that I would get in. I'm truly sorry for those of you who didn't get in, but honestly whatever school you get into/rejected from/ actually end up going to is part of the design of life, so... f*ck it. Anyways, after getting into UCLA and seeing that I'm actually worth something (here begins my self-pity/low self esteem/overall down-ness) I see that even the things that you least expect or even hope for can happen. This is where my second topic on my day today begins. I have been thinking about the topic of "love" for a while now. After losing a father who married the first woman who he felt a remote connection with and having a child and then abandoning both for America and true love, and then having two children with the woman he thought he "loved" and then divorcing them because he loved alcohol and feeling bad for himself more than that, I really question the idea of love.
What is love? We write sh*tty songs about it, buy flowers for it, have a damn holiday for it, basically everything for "love." Yet in this love, how do we know what true love is? Here's my take on "love." Love is something that chooses for you, you don't choose it. My father told me that, and to this day, I wonder... did love ever choose for you? Apparently so, because I still hear my mom talk about how hurt she is that you are gone... Anyways that is a whole other topic for a whole other dimension. Back to the point, love is an enigma of sorts. You search for it, then you lose it. Some people never find it. We long for it, and it teases us with a girl/boy who we think is perfect, then you realize after some point, he/she is everything but perfect. You think you love someone, then you realize you don't, then you have a terrible break-up. But, I'm not saying we shouldn't date at all, or shouldn't have relationships with those we are infatuated with. In fact, what I'm saying is that we should embrace the idea of dating. We should meet as many people as we can, and then after meeting x amount of girls, we might actually stumble upon the one we are meant to be with. But, it's that experience, that get together and then breakup that shows us who we should and should not be with. So, how do we know? How do we freaking beat this unending cycle of excitement, jubilance, sadness, realization? The answer- you don't.
You don't because I truly think, again maybe because I'm a hopeless romantic, that when it's love... you know that from the moment you see that person. You know that no matter what happens, you'll always love that person. You might meet someone just like that person, but the fact of the matter is, it's not the same person who you know you love. Even if that person doesn't feel the same way at first, if even they have a slight attraction to you, you own the responsibility to make that person feel the same. Through the environment of dating, woo-ing, flowers, romantic walks till the sun falls, the whole f*cking she-bang, that person will realize that you are the one. I'm scared to post this blog, but they say alcohol is the truth serum/confidence booster... so here goes nothing. I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid because I am not completely sober... but honestly, screw you if you judge me. If you hate me, then I'm sorry, don't read this f*cking blog.
Peace, Love, Truth,
Andy Tang
Anyways, so basically each blog is going to come randomly based on these things.
1.) how much free time I have
2.) If I feel like typing
3.) What I feel like writing about that day
4.) What happened that day.
So, you can see that this blog is completely impulsive, has no regular timeline, and in essence, isn't something you can depend. But then again, what can we depend on in life? Here begins my thoughts for my day today. After being accepted into UCLA, I truly believe that any and all things are possible. Based on my GPA and my extracurricular stuff, I still didn't think that I would get in. I'm truly sorry for those of you who didn't get in, but honestly whatever school you get into/rejected from/ actually end up going to is part of the design of life, so... f*ck it. Anyways, after getting into UCLA and seeing that I'm actually worth something (here begins my self-pity/low self esteem/overall down-ness) I see that even the things that you least expect or even hope for can happen. This is where my second topic on my day today begins. I have been thinking about the topic of "love" for a while now. After losing a father who married the first woman who he felt a remote connection with and having a child and then abandoning both for America and true love, and then having two children with the woman he thought he "loved" and then divorcing them because he loved alcohol and feeling bad for himself more than that, I really question the idea of love.
What is love? We write sh*tty songs about it, buy flowers for it, have a damn holiday for it, basically everything for "love." Yet in this love, how do we know what true love is? Here's my take on "love." Love is something that chooses for you, you don't choose it. My father told me that, and to this day, I wonder... did love ever choose for you? Apparently so, because I still hear my mom talk about how hurt she is that you are gone... Anyways that is a whole other topic for a whole other dimension. Back to the point, love is an enigma of sorts. You search for it, then you lose it. Some people never find it. We long for it, and it teases us with a girl/boy who we think is perfect, then you realize after some point, he/she is everything but perfect. You think you love someone, then you realize you don't, then you have a terrible break-up. But, I'm not saying we shouldn't date at all, or shouldn't have relationships with those we are infatuated with. In fact, what I'm saying is that we should embrace the idea of dating. We should meet as many people as we can, and then after meeting x amount of girls, we might actually stumble upon the one we are meant to be with. But, it's that experience, that get together and then breakup that shows us who we should and should not be with. So, how do we know? How do we freaking beat this unending cycle of excitement, jubilance, sadness, realization? The answer- you don't.
You don't because I truly think, again maybe because I'm a hopeless romantic, that when it's love... you know that from the moment you see that person. You know that no matter what happens, you'll always love that person. You might meet someone just like that person, but the fact of the matter is, it's not the same person who you know you love. Even if that person doesn't feel the same way at first, if even they have a slight attraction to you, you own the responsibility to make that person feel the same. Through the environment of dating, woo-ing, flowers, romantic walks till the sun falls, the whole f*cking she-bang, that person will realize that you are the one. I'm scared to post this blog, but they say alcohol is the truth serum/confidence booster... so here goes nothing. I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid because I am not completely sober... but honestly, screw you if you judge me. If you hate me, then I'm sorry, don't read this f*cking blog.
Peace, Love, Truth,
Andy Tang
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