Letting Go...

We all have things that we hold onto in life. Whether they are memories, people, habits, or feelings, there's certain things in life that we just fight to keep or painfully struggle to forget. Sometimes it seems like those things are a part of us and no matter what we do, there's no way that we can actually let go. This weekend, I've realized some things about myself. For a while now, I've really lost my faith. I used to find comfort in the idea that God would never give you something that you cannot handle. I remember my old pastor, Sam Pack, told me this through an analogy. You're life is like a rubber band and God's stretching it out as far as you can possibly get stretched out. He throws tests, arguments, family problems, rejections, pressures, hardships and then when your life has reached it's limit, he'll throw in deaths, pains, sadness, just to make you stronger. I used to believe that one day all the struggles I've had will pay off, and I still do. But lately, I've been wondering- when can I just relax? When can I have a moment of peace?

Maybe we're never meant to have a true moment's peace. Or, if we do, then that moment is short. But, if we keep holding onto this idea that we're going to always have shitty economic times, family problems, or relationship issues, then we can never really be at rest in our hearts. For me, I feel like it's time I let go. Time I let go of the fact that I might not be where I expected to be or who I expected to be in life right now. It's time that I let go of this idea that my dad's not gone. Here's a small side story: every other weekend I've been making the drive to his grave just to sit and think. Sometimes I'd talk to him, hoping that there would be an answer. God knows that I really needed a father figure these past couple of months, but we don't always get what we want in life. So, for me, my time with my father lately has been kind of a one way relationship. I'd talk and I think he was listening. I never thought that I'd have some direct celestial connection with my father or God, I just went because I didn't believe that he was dead. I still can't believe it. There's so many things that are left unsaid between us. I regret so much and that's what's slowly eating away at me. This, along with certain feelings I've had towards other people, certain relationships I've had with other people, certain disappointments/letdowns/guilt-trips that I've been through, I'm letting them go. Don't you think that letting go of those things that hold you back, and trust me they're holding you back, is going to help you get on with your life. Personally, I'm letting go by giving in to God and renewing my faith again. I'm letting go by forgetting about all the bad times I've had with certain people, and trying to remember the good. I'm letting go by getting into guitar (thanks Sam Choo for the advice). I'm letting go by loving life, enjoying the short time I have left with the people around me, and being happy.

Whatever it is that you have to let go, there's no better time than the present. We all fall short of our expectations, but what we don't see is that reality exceeds our expectations in hidden ways. So live your life, free of those things that hold you back. That's pretty much all I have left to say. The rest of what you take from this is your choice. It's your life, live it your way.

This Year So Far

Within the past 12 months, I've been to a funeral, countless 18th birthdays, spent hours in a nursing home, been accused of stealing money from the school, gotten caught ditching school and getting saturday school, come home drunk and shirtless, wake up somewhere I don't remember getting to, gained relationships, ruined relationships, been to a debut, cried in front of an audience, contemplated driving off a cliff, found God, lost faith, cut practice, quit a team, joined a team, made friends, lost touch with friends, laughed, been belligerently drunk, gained weight, lost self confidence, dug a grave, drank with my brother, fallen into deep depression, fallen into utter bliss, hated school, loved school, joined asb, got a job, hated my job, gotten into fights, broken up fights, walked away from fights, lied, cheated, loved, hated, enjoyed, regretted, and now what's left?

I'm ready for college, I want to leave this behind, take some memories and forget others. I'm going to become the better version of myself, and hopefully I can keep certain relationships that I've made up till now, but realistically, who knows where any of us will be in the next 20 years? I'll live in the moment, understanding what's to come in the future. This year has been the longest and most difficult year for me. When I go to college, I'm leaving it all behind and starting new. To those who actually care to keep our friendship alive, I really hope we can, because I'm willing to do what I can to keep you guys close. To those who've told me the effortlessly concocted cliches like "I'll always be here for you" or "we'll be friends/bros/homies/bff's forever" and then leave me hanging... Well, I wish you could keep your promises. But we never do, so thank you for abusing my trust and faith in people's words. Ah, I can't wait to move on. Well, only 2 more months of high school left, and 3 more months of summer before we move on with our lives. Scary, isn't it? Everyone has to move on at some point, but if you're a true friend, then don't lose touch please!

Berkeley, Class of 2015. I'm nervous, but I'll give it my best.